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rosiebeck:

nxv:

primisthebomb:

I THREW A GRAPE IN THE AIR TO CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH BUT IT WENT TOO HIGH AND HIT THE CEILING AND THERE WAS A SPIDER THERE AND THE SPIDER FELL AND SO DID THE GRAPE AND THEY BOTH LANDED ON MY FACE AND I STILL HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING

i read the first line in my head in the tune of call me maybe im so stupid

I threw a grape in the air
I went to catch it I swear
It hit a spider that fell
and now they’re on my face

peanutbutterandsquats:

lilyredneck:

dut-dut-goose:

queenofferrets:

juzanotherblog:

new bra from victoria secret! :) 

A woman stands in her bedroom. She is with her attractive male lover. The air is filled with desire. They both look into each other’s eyes. The female, with a slightly bashful smile, takes off her clothes, starting with the pants first, and finally the shirt. She is wearing the bra. The man’s eyes opened wider in interest. His interest is peaked. The woman strutted closer to him, her eyes batting and her smile growing. She leans into his ear and with a breathy voice, she spoke:“Lettuce fuck.” 

I graduate in three days, I pay my own bills, I have a car, and I’m reading fanfiction about a lettuce bra.

It has a little lettuce bow.

I’ve been laughing for 7 minutes oh my god

militiamedic:

jesseproch:

emt-monster:

Please reblog if you know anyone who might take party drugs.

I’m not an emt yet, but everytime I see someone do drugs, I just hope they’re smart enough to remember these points.

As an nurse with ER experience, same thing. Dear God please just tell us what you took. I will not tell anyone from law enforcement or your parents or whoever, I just need to know so I can save your life. Please.

thatsnotwatyourmomsaid:

NEIL YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD 

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 9 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on vodka bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died. I think he took her heart with him when he walked out. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night that I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for two days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend fucked his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute in English because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning too hard to read any essays.

It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.

- It’s not that I don’t love you.   (via audrotas)

yoncevevo:

"hey do you think you could follow me ba-"

image

Yes, I was infatuated with you; I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn’t stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my minds, my dreams. And you weren’t having any of those. - The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath (via perfect)

joseguwop:

809212:

what would you say to your 10 year old self

lottery numbers

sorcery-inthetardis:

bblackbirdd:

I brought my little brother Spencer as my date and when I told him I was nominated for this [Hot & Funny] award, he told me that if under any circumstances I won, I had to say the following things.  

being related to a celebrity: YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT

OMG WHEN HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AT THE END I JUST

kitty-me-ow:

i-eviscerate:

A memorial was being held for a young girl who passed away five years ago. During the service, a wild doe walked up and did this. 

Reincarnation

bikinipowerbottom:

"She’s really pretty for a black girl"

image


“He’s really cool for a gay guy”

image


“She’s doing really well for a woman”

image

vinegod:

My dog York won’t do it for the vine by Wellington Boyce

wifipasswords:

I JUST REALIZED NONE OF YOU HAVE EVER HEARD ME TALK